The Leaving

I am in Arkansas, trying to reimagine my voice,

Again and again, beyond all sound

Trojaned with doubt—you did that

So brilliantly for so long, I almost couldn’t,

Again and again, get any sound

To unthink my mind as broken, like you showed me,

So brilliantly for so long, I almost couldn’t

Thank god for Ozark streams I sometimes wandered

To unthink my mind as broken, like you showed me,

For hours, repeating the same four prayers

Or thanking god for Ozark streams, I wandered sometimes

Wanting to soften my life by disarming each breath,

For hours, repeating the same four prayers

(Which, back then, were still loaded with fear)

Meant to soften a life by disarming the breath,

And thank god for good friends who laughed, at first,

(Which, back then, worked to unload my fears)

When I told just how wrong I’d become, how awful,

And thank god for the laughter of good friends, the first

To re-love these hands—but, if they knew what you knew ...

So I told just how wrong I’d become, how awful—

There you go, nearly leaping the bright rails

I need to keep these hands lovable, if they only knew ...

Once time has finished its newest grace,

You won’t be able to find the rails of happiness

I have used to escape you, again and again,

Cloaked by the new grace that time is building

For my tomorrow, this green-gray shore you’ll never know,

Because I will have escaped you already, again and again,

No longer Trojaned with doubt—you did that,

But my tomorrow is this green-gray shore you’ll never know

In Arkansas, where I am reimagining my voice.